Actors and Relationships
Stop Waiting for Everyone Else to Change.
Truly, everything you need to know about Relationships could be summed up in that sentence!
You can choose to change.
You can change your thoughts about the Relationship.
You cannot expect Anyone Else to Change!
Really. How many times has that worked for you? If, in fact, your partner, mother, brother in law, scene partner changed because you wanted them to.... did it last?
If so, it worked because they wanted to change. They got something out of it that made it worth it for them.
But most of the time, the change isn't real.
You spend so much energy around this. When you could be working on yourself!
Some of the time, the build up of tension we create while waiting for someone to disappoint us.... Again.... is exponential.
Try this.
Pick the person in your life that you 'want to change'. You may tell yourself it is for their own good. But really, you want them to change so you can have a different feeling about them.
So. Have that person ready?
Go for 2 weeks without expecting anything from them.
How do you do this?
Think of the emotion you want to feel with them. When you think about them.
It could be...
Supportive
Loving
Secure
Connected
You're going to use your acting skills here. But take care to be yourself in this... this is not about 'faking it till you make it'.
Take the emotion, the feeling you want to feel with this person, and for the next 2 weeks, in every interaction with that person (in person, in writing, on the phone, on the screen), feel that.
Find the thought that will help you feel that.
Let's take the example of 'Connected'. You want to feel connected with your romantic partner.
Perhaps a thought (you need to be able to believe it) could be:
I want to find new ways to connect with them.
or
I feel great when we are connected.
It seems so simple, but that small adjustment can change everything.
Just giving that idea some air - trying connected from your end, while hoping for connected from them, can get you connected!
If you are a bit lost...
Write down the name (yes, get a pen and paper) of the relationship you want to improve.
Below the name, do a thought download on all the things in your head about them that bother you.
Now, give 'equal air time' to the things you feel are working in the relationship.
Fill up a sheet of paper.
Now. Read over what you have written, and pick the emotion you are currently feeling about the relationship.
Frustration
Disappointed
Lust
Ambivalence
Jealous
Find what you are feeling now.
From that place, think of the emotion you Want to Feel in the Relationship.
Does it seem miles away from what you are feeling?
There's your work.
Here's Why This Works
If, again, we use the emotion 'connected'. And we choose a romantic partner. If you feel the emotion 'connected' when you interact with them, how might that look? You listen to them without judgement. You provide for yourself what you need and don't expect them to do anything unless they choose to. You share with them from a connected place. You forge your own connection with them.
Result: You are connected, because you choose to feel connected.
Another example:
After a thought download, you find you feel 'frustrated' by your mother in law.
You want to feel ' calm'.
A thought that works for you, to create the feeling of 'calm' is:
My mother in law is doing the best she can.
With that thought, and the feeling of calm, you sit down to talk with your mother-in-law at a family gathering, and listen as she immediately starts talking negatively about your apartment.
If you are calm, she can't affect your emotional state. Just keep telling yourself, 'she's doing the best she can'. You don't have to lie, or pretend. But she truly cannot affect you, if you embrace the feeling of 'calm'.
Try the 2 week exercise.
They don't need to know anything is happening.
It is important you aren't faking anything.
Just take yourself to that place of Feeling what you Want to Feel, and let that guide you for 2 weeks.
You will learn so much.
And the relationship, if it is worth it to you, will start to improve.
Really, what is more important in our lives than our relationships?
Let's review.
- Stop expecting other people to change.
- Explore what you are feeling now about the person.
- Find out what you Want to Feel.
- Do a thought download to find a believable thought that can create that feeling.
- Try for 2 weeks to feel that chosen emotion as you interact with this person.
You will definitely learn something.
